My home
Is a wretched place
It stinks of dirt and foul emotion
And I am one part glad I got away
And a hundred parts disappointed
For I could fight
And stay
And fix it
But I didn't.

***
Nobody taught me how to fight
Instead they taught me losing
And that losing is good
But now that I always lose
They don't love me.

***
There is but one good thing in life
But it hides well
And when you find it
You die
Or run out of reason
Which kills you just as much.

@темы: semi-poetry

---

When you give your advice to someone else
Do it silently
Because you only do it to realize
That it's you who should be the one
Taking it.

@темы: semi-poetry

---

Sometimes I wonder if I can be saved
Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone save you anyway?
It never happens
Everyone needs to save themselves first
And when you do it
You have nothing left inside for someone else
Which is fine and fair
But what if you don’t have enough in you to save yourself?
That’s probably how you die.
Like I said,
Fine and fair.

@темы: semi-poetry

---

There is a lump in my throat
In my gut
In my heart
In my head
I would cut it out, if only I could
I would take a butcher’s knife
A hatchet
A sword
Anything really
And plunge it in
To kill this ugly chunk of messed up self
No matter the blood and gore
Because dying would be so much better than this
So I would not be scared at all

@темы: semi-poetry

---

I just made you up to hurt myself
and it worked

today I was thinking that if I had a gun, I would fire it in my face. responsibilities and cats be damned

she always tells me it's okay to take her money, but whenever I do, she says I'm irresponsible and childish, i'll never survive without her and she's damn right. but i want to. i want to be my own person, but she seems to be enjoying having someone who depends on her completely. but at the same time, she lectures me that i need to be independent. like i'm on a damn lead, which she refuses to let go, but it's also my goddamn fault.
perhaps it is.
i am shit. i am shit. i want to hurt myself and stop existing.

i have no one to talk to anymore. i need a therapist but it requires money i don't have.

and i want my dog back, and my cat back, but i also can't provide for them all.
i wish i was dead

---

сегодня, как и вчера, как и неделю назад, две недели, месяц — мне стукнуло в голову, что я так навсегда и останусь одиноким. нет ни одной предпосылки к тому, чтобы это изменилось. да и сил у меня нет.
не удивлюсь, если я просто умираю и еще не знаю об этом. тогда даже хорошо, что я один.